


Blue Zircon: Attorney At Law

by CaptainJZH



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Future Fic, Gen, Humor, Lawyers, Legal Drama, Post-Canon, not really - Freeform, traffic court
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:00:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26913277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainJZH/pseuds/CaptainJZH
Summary: Pearl needs a lawyer.Blue Zircon doesn't want the job.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	Blue Zircon: Attorney At Law

“Ruby, did I get any mail today?” Nanefua asked as she sat down in her office.

“Uh…” one of her Ruby bodyguards began, sorting through the envelopes left at the door. “Yeah! You got a letter from...the state police?”

“Oh?” Nanefua said, cocking her eyebrow. She took the envelope and ran her letter-opener along the top. She began reading.  _ “It has come to our attention that one of your citizens...speeding violations...reckless driving...make and model...1996 Dondai Supremo…  _ Shit.”

\---

“It wasn’t me, I swear!” Greg said over the phone, pacing around the Beach House living room. “When was this?”

“I don’t know,” Nanefua shrugged. “Three years ago? They only found it because Dewey had his friends in the county seat cover it up, and the reports were found by some clerk. They only told me about it as a courtesy.”

“Well what are you gonna do about it?” Greg asked. “With Sadie’s upcoming tour, I don’t have time to spend a day in traffic court!”

“Hold on,” Nanefua reassured him. “I asked the state police to send me their speed camera photos.”

“Don’t you have more important stuff to do as mayor?”

“Greg, it’s Beach City. Most of my job is making sure Onion isn’t setting it on fire.”

Greg laughed as the photos loaded onto Nanefua’s computer screen. The first one was of the Dondai, banking sharply around a corner. In the driver’s seat was Pearl, followed by Amethyst in the passenger seat and Steven in the back.

“Greg, I have some good news and some bad news.”

\---

“Which one of you is Pearl?” the young court clerk said, walking up to a multicolored group of Pearls in Little Homeworld. They all raised their hand. He hung his head in despair. “Serve people subpoenas, they said. It’ll be easy, they said.”

“Looking for someone?” Pearl asked, tapping the man on the shoulder. He was tall, skinny, and wearing a suit and tie.

“Are you Pearl?”

“Why, yes I am.”

The man handed her a blue slip of paper. “You’ve been served.”

Pearl stared at the slip, confused, as the man walked away. “...No, I haven’t!” she called out. “And believe me, I know quite a lot about  _ serving!” _

\---

“Pearl, this is serious!” Greg said, trying to explain the situation to her back at the house.

“Oh, I am well aware of that.”

“I don’t think you are, frankly.”

“Why’s that?’

“Because you let Amethyst eat your subpoena!”

Amethyst burped over in the corner, spitting it back out. “Tastes flakey,” she shrugged.

Pearl shook her head. “Greg, it was just a little speeding. So what if the police chased me…”

“You got  _ chased?!” _

“More like  _ followed,”  _ Pearl scoffed. “Given their lack of driving skill.”

Greg went over to Amethyst and (reluctantly) picked up the saliva-covered subpoena. He flipped through it, his face going pale. “Pearl...do you know how much they’re charging you in fines?”

“No,” Pearl said. “Should I?”

He showed her the slip. She cocked her head. “Is that a lot?”

“Pearl, I’m rich, and that’s still a lot.”

“Why on Earth would they charge me that much for  _ speeding?” _

“Most of it is additional fines for not paying the original fine,” Greg said, reading it more closely. “Over the course of three years. Damn you, Dewey...”

“So what now? Can’t we just pay the fine?”

“No,” Greg said, shaking his head. “Well, normally, yes, but since it’s been so long you’ve been summoned to court.”

“And what happens there?”

“I dunno, you go up to the judge, plead guilty, he orders you to pay the fine and you do that?”

“Plead  _ guilty?!”  _ Pearl gasped. “I would never! The Terrifying Renegade Pearl doesn’t go down without a fight. And I am  _ fighting  _ this.”

“Woo!” Amethyst called out from the corner. “You got this, P!”

“Well, you better know a  _ damn  _ good lawyer,” Greg shrugged.

\---

“You want  _ me  _ to defend you?” Blue Zircon asked. She and Pearl were standing in Diamond Square, with White Diamond’s ship looming over them. “I don’t know the first thing about Earth law!”

“Honestly, I don’t think you need to,” Pearl said. “You just got to convince them to drop the charges.”

“Pearl, I’m flattered, but the last time I tried to convince someone of dropping charges, I ended up with my gem floating dormant in a bubble.”

“Which won’t be the case on Earth! I think. Those legal proceeding shows Connie watches are odd in that regard.”

“Pearl, the answer is no.” Blue Zircon started walking away.

Pearl sighed, going after the blue gem. “Zircon, from what Steven tells me, you were the only one who got close to figuring out the truth about Pink Diamond. That took some smarts. You’re probably the best lawyer on Homeworld!”

Blue Zircon blushed a little. She wanted to do it now. “But wait, how could I represent you on Earth? I’m only certified to practice law in Gem territory.” Pearl nodded, gesturing for her to continue down that line of thought.  _ “Which Earth technically is!” _

“I checked with the US government,” Pearl explained. “While Earth  _ is _ independent, they still recognize Homeworld’s authority.”

“All we’d need is a Diamond to sign off on it...” Blue Zircon realized.

Pearl took out her phone. “I’ll call Steven.”

\---

“Traffic Court is now in session,” the bailiff proclaimed. “First case, docket ending 350. One count of speeding, one count of reckless driving, one count failure to stop.”

Pearl and Blue Zircon stepped forward. The room was fairly small and plain, with white walls accented with tacky wood paneling. Fluorescent lights buzzed overhead. Judge Kind, an overweight, balding man in black robes, sat high on his bench, reading over his files.

“How does the defendant plea?”

“Not guilty,” Blue Zircon said, confidently.

Judge Kind laughed. “I thought this was Traffic Court, not the  _ Blue Guy Group.  _ Which one of you is the defendant?”

“She is,” Blue Zircon nodded. “I’m her lawyer.”

“...Sure, why not, I’ve seen weirder,” Judge Kind chuckled. “What’s your defense?”

“My client was not speeding as the state police claim, because my client is a Gem, and Gems do not perceive time the same way as humans.”

The judge blinked. “You’re gonna have to run that by me again.”

“Well, uh,” Blue Zircon said, starting to sweat. She didn’t expect to get this far. “Gems are thousands of years old, which is  _ astronomically  _ longer than humans can even comprehend. No offense.”

“None taken,” Judge Kind rolled his eyes.

“So, since speed is determined by distance travelled over a certain amount of time, to Pearl, she wasn’t going that fast!”

The judge briefly considered Blue Zircon’s argument. And then shook his head. “Nah, I don’t buy it. I find you guilty and hereby order you to pay the appropriate fine or else you’ll be in contempt of court. Next case?”

“Docket ending 113—” the bailiff started to read, before Blue Zircon interrupted.

“I thought you’d say that,” she said, approaching the bench and handing the judge a piece of paper.

“And what’s this?” he asked.

“That is an official pardon from Steven Universe — the legal owner and overlord of the planet Earth and therefore its subsidiary governments — ordering that the charges against my client be dropped, or else the planet faces the wrath of the entire Homeworld fleet.”

“...And you didn’t just open with this because?”

“To be honest I wanted to see if that defense worked.”

“It didn’t,” the judge said. “I find the defendant not guilty, now please get out of my courtroom.”

“With pleasure,” Blue Zircon nodded.

\---

“Stars, I had forgotten how much I missed arguing a case!” Blue Zircon said with glee as they walked out of the courthouse. “There aren’t many crimes on Homeworld, you know.”

“Actually, Mayor Pizza says that the Assistant District Attorney position for Beach City is opening up soon,” Pearl said. “Figured you might like being on the prosecution side better.”

“Oh wow, I’ll have to look into that.”

“Besides, most of your cases will just be that Onion child burning down Funland again.”

Blue Zircon laughed. “...I like it already.”


End file.
